Sleeping with the enemy

I have many nice, beautiful dresses. I don't really like to be dressed in dress when I have young, that true! But as I grow up, I started a liking for them. However, I know i can never wear them when I am with you. And I will not.

That CNY evening, when you broke our friend's wine crystal glass, not because you were careless, but you were too mindful of my posture, if I have accidentally exposed my cleavage. I wonder if you ever trusted me.

You are mindful of many things. More concern of what strangers think of me than my feelings and thoughts. My likes and dislikes. I don't feel happy being with you anymore, instead I feel threatened. I'm threaten that you will rob away my confident. My feminism, beauty, happiness, carefree & joy.

For your sake, I have been trying to dress not my kind of dressing. At times, when i dress down, you don't bother to even look at me, but you lust at others. Such double standard person. You have made me so inferior. I started to wonder if I'm ugly. I know I'm not. I am not gorgeously beautiful, but I know I'm presentable. Why do you even want to destroy me confident?

I was such carefree person until I met you. You have input fears in my life. I miss my happiness and joy of being able to dress what I feel like being dressed for the day and to able to walk where I pleases. To pick up things when they dropped. To help others when they needed an helping hand. To able to walk around without being trapped by pairs of surveillance eyes.

I'm not your criminal! And you are not my bodyguard!

How long do you want me to go through this hell with you? Others are not allow to look at me and I cannot dress what I desire. Don't make me starting to regret marrying you.

I told you to watch "Sleeping with the enemy". Have you?

Don't make me leave you.

Striving for your time & attention

Heart broken into many pieces... U ask me why i don't make use of the remaining time, midnight.

Yes! I am unhappy. I'm still fuming over your empty promise to spending time with me. All I ask is to walk in the park. Is that so difficult?! I know you are tired, but you have already slept for more than our agreed time. You promised that you would wake up, and bring me to this and that places.

All empty words.

This is not the 1st time. I shouldn't have such high expectation.

I'm sullen and I just can't seem to talk to you now. I'm too angry, too broken to talk now. I have changed my job, just to have more time be with you! You know that I love my design job. You know it is not easy for me to change into such a contrast industry. I bit the bullet. I should have gone to work today, if not for you. I did the house work, so that you don't have to do any. So that you would not have excuses which delay your sleep. The ultimate purpose is for you to have energy to spend time with me later.

Why do I feel like as if I'm always have to strive to have your attention?

If by marrying you, you think that you have all the time to be with me, yet you didn't spend time to be with me. Spending quality time is important to me. Not when you are about to sleep. Not when you are watching TV. Not when you are working while talking to me over the phone.

You ask me why am I not treasuring the time now, that you're awake in the middle of the night.

My heart hurt. I can't bring myself to spend time with you now.

I need to sleep.

Mood Swings or called it What in our Thoughts?

Do you ever have had this experience before that one moment you are happy and the next you are not, or vice visa. Probably much of the happiness or unhappiness comes from the situations that we face at that moment. Or it could be the contents of our thoughts that affect our emotions and therefore, change our temperament according to what we perceived from the external situation?

So if I could govern my thoughts to think not of the sad, dark or anything that is not happy, despite of the unwelcoming situations, would I remain unaffected and stay happy? I guess it does help to some extent.

A good friend once told me this. When one is put into a really bad situation, instead of panic, the best thing one should be thinking is, what could be the worst situation that you that you could face and then face it boldly. Things are not really as bad as you think. For example, you couldn’t complete the report to be submitted by next week. Instead of worrying, face the situation wisely. Speak to the boss/ lecturer. Well, probably, the worst scenario is to face the music from the boss/ lecturer. Get fired? Probably, not so. Sometimes, we complicate things with our thoughts. Situations could be very simple.

That is, think of what is the worst scenario you could face! When you are come to terms with it, the less affected you would be.

Today, I went to visit my friend, D’s Dad, who has cancer of the pancrease @ Alexandra Hospital.

Together with my husband, Gerald, we prayed for our friend and his dad, on our long burning afternoon journey by bus. Wonder if Gerald didn’t had his 8^th year temperamental car stripped and we probably wouldn’t have to adapt back to public transport.

Talked about the scorching weather, plus the bus’s air-con was so weak… in a matter of seconds both of us eventually snoozed off. Only to wake up and realized we have missed our stop. Gosh! And I even slept with my mouth wide opened! So embarrassing!!

I guess Gerald was too tired after his shift work and without taking his much needed
rest, immediately joined me for the visitation. Poor boy!

Without hesistation, we took a cab to the hospital. Alas, I am such a spoilt and pampered for good transportation! :p

At the hospital, we saw D’s dad with tubes running through his nostrils. He is on dripped, as he could not eat much after the chemotherapy. D would treasure every moment when his dad is awake, by thanking his dad at his bed side, of all the good and even bad things that his dad had ever done to him. D also shared of what he would do if his dad could live another 1- 2 years. My heart melted when I heard this. So many hearts felt thanks unspoken of. Blame it on the way of our Chinese culture, not daring to be expressive of showing love and affection.

Indeed, D’s right. There is nothing to hold back when death is near. What is death then? Is it a cruel awakening? Or is it a call for being true to oneself?

I wonder, is death really that scary? To my opinion it is, when many obligations are left undone or even unspoken.

We prayed together for D’s Dad. We prayed for God’s grace and mercy be upon his life and that he will taste of God’s goodness in this life time. Oh, God, do have mercy on him and I do pray for miracle to happen… D will be able to fulfill his obligation and wishes for his dad. Most importantly, to reconcile with your precious son – Jesus Christ, by putting his trust in you and not on oneself.

“ You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath.”
~ Psalms 39:5

So what is life and death all about?

I went back home pondering and then Molly came to my mind. She was a brave lady that I read in a magazine, called vanilla, while waiting for my ear check-up in E&T. I was pretty much dishearten and inward looking at that moment, till I read about Molly, despite of her struggles, braved with much joys… and that inner strength she had, which I couldn’t explain. I concluded that it must be her strength in God.

I didn’t know that she had gone to be in the heavenly place, till I checked on her blog today. Though I had never read any of her blog before, she had left a very deep impression that day when I read of her in the magazine. I was telling myself to check on her website, but slipped my mind.

After reading her blog, I cried. I cried because this world had taken away one more example of comforting, to demonstrate how to brave the storms by overlooking and starting to give of oneself. I could never be like her, so brave and intelligent. Then my tears became joy, cos I know that her struggle was never in vain. In fact, this wonderwoman haven’t leave this world. Her valuable legacy is here to stay. A legacy that would last for a life time. I’m so grateful to God for her and her family support.

Through my friend, D and also this wonderwoman, Molly (whom I missed the chance of sending her a comment that I was much encouraged by her attitude towards life), I have learnt some important lessons in life.

1) Never leave any unspoken thanks to anyone that you have cross-path with.

2) Be open to show affection to your love ones. Don’t wait, don’t be shy!

3) It’s how you live that counts and not how you die. Everyone dies one day.

“…unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” ~ John 12:24

I see this in Molly’s life example. I believe she has transformed many into courageous wonderwomen.

4) “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” ~ Matthew 10:28

Death is not so scary when you know who is ultimately in control (God) and where you put your hope in life is important too.

I hope when it's my turn to face death, I’d be ready. With nothing to hold back and nothing to loose… only my breath, till I face my God.

Then how about facing death of my beloved ones? Am I ready?
Answer: I must do much more…to show more affection to my parents. To be mindful to thank them of the things they have done for me. Oh, no…I don’t think I will ever be ready to face this. How come? Is it because love can
never be measured up to any quality? But till now, I know that I must not withhold my expression of love to my beloved ones.

Death is truly a call for not only a health check, but a calling for readiness to die to self ego, pride, inwardness, and to start being true to self, loving like it's the last day.